June 13, 2014
SEO experts

I have half an hour to kill and no patience. 
Personally I get at least two of these a week: 

Hi,
I am Nancy   Consultant for a Search Engine Optimization (SEO) company.

As per the trends in your industry - over 80% of people search for your products/services online and buy the same.

1.      Would you like to increase the leads / sales generated from your website?
2.      Would you like to make your website Google friendly as well as Google responsive?
3.      Would you like to be listed at the top of every major search engine such as Google, Yahoo! & Bing for multiple search phrases (keywords) relevant to your products / services?

It would be recommended if you go for search engine optimization (SEO) for your website which would increase your web visibility and generate better prospect traffic to your website.There is a simple equation that is applicable to the online world.

Ethical SEO à Better Traffic à Higher Sales

Just wondering, if you would be interested in improving the position of your website for the key terms your clients would be using to search your services.

Do let me know if you are interested and it shall be our pleasure to give you Details about our services and Offers.
I look forward for your reply.

Kind Regards
Nancy
SEO Consultant

Normally I just ignore them and go about my day, but something about Nancy and her cheerful smugness made me reply:

Hello Nancy

Please answer the following questions: 
1/ Where did you get this email address? 
2/ If you’re so good at SEO, why do you need to spam people’s emails? 

Ben

Was NOT expecting a reply.

Hello Ben ,

Thanks for your responses to my colleague Nancy  here at <redacted> Technology. I am Sameer , your new account manager .

I’m writing in regards to the last email I sent which included information about our process and what we can do for your business. I’d love to have a chance to show you what we can offer.

1/ Where did you get this email address? 

We have proper marketing team who is researching the clients email data and sending the offers for generation of leads. We got your details from the same panel.

2/ If you’re so good at SEO, why do you need to spam people’s emails? 

These are not the spam mails . It’s part of email marketing process . We are sending maximum 2 emails to one email id . 

Please let me know in case you are interest in Internet Marketing services so we can further discuss on the same. Here is some details of our process.

Our SEO Methods :

(He then proceeds to pitch me all their services, again)

Please have a look and let me know your views  .

Looking forward to hear from you.

Thanks and Regards , 
Sameer 


Chuff off, Sameer. I’m not having this. I write:

There are so many things wrong with this email that I suspect I will have to break it down for you so that even a child with no SEO expertise could understand it. 

1 - Most important of all - IF you’re so good at SEO then you wouldn’t need your “email marketing process” because we would SEE YOUR BUSINESS ON THE FIRST PAGE OF GOOGLE. I’m going to google “SEO expert” right now and see where you come on the page just for shits and giggles.
2 - These ARE spam emails. Spam means “unsolicited email”, Sameer - anyone who works on the internet knows that. You must send thousands of emails in the hope that you get lucky. (Still googling - page 3 now, still no sign of your company!) 
3 - NOBODY buys SEO like this. If your hit rate is enough to sustain a business then you must spam millions, not thousands. (Page 6 now, Sammy, still not found you.) 
4 - You are my new account manager!??! What the fuck, Sameer? What on EARTH in my last reply made you think that you would A- send me your full schpiel, again or B- designate yourself an account manager?! If somebody said “please stop driving that bus, you’ve just hit an old lady and there are more in the road” i have a sneaking feeling you’d keep driving. Page 9 now! I’m not gonna lie Sammy, it’s not looking good. 
5 - Page 10 and counting! 
6 - If you have a “proper marketing team”, they would have done their research. One glance; one swift, brief, tiny glance at our website would have shown you that we are a group of WEB EXPERTS. My business partner WROTE Google Adwords - what do you think you can bring that he didn’t actually create in the first place?! I don’t want to blow our trumpet too loud here Sammy but we’ve all won awards for our work. Have you won any awards? Definitely not the award for “most easy to find company on Google”. I’ve actually given up looking through the pages - I got to page 20 and still hadn’t found you. 
OK - I have it, I’ll google your company’s actual name - I mean, it’s cheating a bit - it’s the SEO equivalent of telling your kid he’s won when he’s really totally messed up - but at least, if I google your name, you can prove that you’re an SEO expert in something at least. AT LEAST you’ll have got your own keywords right, right? RIGHT SAMMY?! 

Oh. You’re eighth when I Google your company. Sad times, Sammy! EIGHTH. FOR YOUR OWN COMPANY NAME. 

So, how about this: perhaps we can fix your SEO. 

We don’t need to send you any emails to get your attention. You can Google us. 


I’m worried that he might think I’m a dick. 

October 14, 2011
Fuck you, Rush Limbaugh
motherjones:

Best #OccupyWallStreet photo ever of the day.

Fuck you, Rush Limbaugh

motherjones:

Best #OccupyWallStreet photo ever of the day.

(via tommilsom)

October 9, 2011

(via iloveyoursoul)

August 16, 2011
Amen! 

Amen! 

(Source: rebegin, via dreamswishesbutterflykisses)

August 16, 2011

This is Mark Wallinger‘s “Time and Relative Dimensions in Space 2001″, a life-sized mirrored model of the TARDIS from “Doctor Who,” which at certain angles seems to blend into its environment. It was exhibited at The Hayward Gallery in February 2009.

Awesome

This is Mark Wallinger‘s “Time and Relative Dimensions in Space 2001″, a life-sized mirrored model of the TARDIS from “Doctor Who,” which at certain angles seems to blend into its environment. It was exhibited at The Hayward Gallery in February 2009.

Awesome

(via tart-pastry)

August 15, 2011
Mmmm, puns
santa-please:

The Phantom of The Oprah

Mmmm, puns

santa-please:

The Phantom of The Oprah

(Source: dear-santa)

July 27, 2011

(via iloveyoursoul)

July 8, 2011
It's a sad situation: Complaint letter to Virgin Trains

Stuff like this = one of the many things I love about maxative:

Dear Sir,

As Head of Customer Services and Culture at Virgin Trains I think it would be helpful to you for me to provide you with direct customer feedback.

I travelled from London Euston to Manchester Piccadilly at 1pm on the 2nd of July. Of course travelling such a distance I paid…

(via maxative-deactivated20120729)

July 3, 2011

(via cinders-and-snow)

June 29, 2011
"I swear to gods, one of these days I’m going to wake up and this is all going to have been the most incredible dream…"

Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »